October 12, 2015
I had one of those moments again this morning. I've had one of those moments too many times this month already. I don't know what that means but I'm trying to figure it out. I spend silent seconds of my day lost in thought. Face fixed. Body stuck. Mind racing. I know people can see it on me. A lost person staring at their hands like the answers are written in the cracks. I hear my name and snap out of it with a smile on my face. In that moment that smile is genuine, I'm grateful for being brought back.
Sometimes I catch myself just staring at how the light hits my boots while they lie tossed on the floor haphazardly. The dust particles dancing around them to beat only they can hear. How did I get here? I turn around and I don't know where I'm headed.
I woke up yesterday and ripped my artwork off the walls. I couldn't look at the flaws anymore. It didn't inspire me to do better. It didn't remind me from where I came and where I could go. It was a flaw and that's all I saw. Now all I see is a bare space on my walls and I don't know if that's better. I still see the flaws.
I got too drunk the other night. My tongue decided to take over and lead the rest of my thoughts. I spoke too honestly. Too drunkenly. Too exposed. She was too nice. She didn't tell me to stop talking. She didn't laugh at my remarks. She recognized my state and comforted me. Yet, when the morning sunlight hit my face, much like it hits my boots, I felt more scared than before. Without even looking, without even trying, without even realizing, I can feel the walls growing back. Your face is fading in the distance while I shout, thank you.
Last night I sat around a fire with friends. Beer in our hands, cigarettes in between our fingers, phones actively being used, all of them extensions of ourselves. I zoned out. Mid text. Mid sip. Mid puff. I was gone. I had one of the moments like I do when I wake up. I had one of those moments where I hate where I am and who I am and what I am. All that surged into my veins. Pumping hot lava in every millimeter of my being. In that moment, I saw myself crack. I saw myself screaming, clawing, breaking. Muscles tense. Jaw clenches. Eyes close. SNAP I take a sip. a puff. a snapchat. i move about my life bc i am momentum.
I tell you these things not because I want your attention or reassurance that "i'll figure it out. don't stress it." I appreciate your words but when you tell me that, i want to tell you to shove those words down your own throat and recognize i'm not asking for sympathy. I write these things to show who I am. Make no mistake, I don't have my shit together, and I want to be real with everyone. I am me and I do not hide it. I am struggling but I am moving. Some days are shit. Some days are gold. I am the sum of all my days.
hello.