A clear portrayal of one's self isn't exactly something we get often and sometimes never at all. So how do we even know how we're perceived? I spent a lot of my time internally making assumptions of how people viewed me. Which is already backwards. I put all focus on what people thought of me instead of what I thought of myself. Therefore, if I cared more of what people thought of me then I probably didn't care for myself enough. I don't know if this hidden thought-coffin was behind a veil and just out of sight and realization for others, but that's certainly how it was for me.
“You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”
It's not easy to see oneself in a different way. We see what we expect to see so how could anyone notice they were the thing bringing down their own life? Nobody thinks they're the villain of their own story so who would expect to see the signs of that? However, it is such a remarkable and important thing to find because the realization provides a way to correct the issue at it's core.
So I never realized I was making myself unhappy and spreading my subconscious funk everywhere I stayed for too long. That transferred into my artwork and the decisions I made with designs and business and friendships/relationships and literally everything. Now that I know, I'm working on being happy and grateful in the moment instead of thinking I have to be unhappy and work super hard until I feel I deserve to be happy. I'm finding things to be happy and grateful for as much as possible and with any and all things current in my life. That way I can share and spread a similar feeling to others. I regret a lot of my past so the process of letting go is gradual but proving to be worth it and freeing. I know I may sound like a lunatic but hey, fuck it! I'm a happier person and I hope you are/can be too.
As always, I've got some art ideas and projects I'm working on now that might reflect some of this thinking. I will be playing around with more colors in my paintings much like you've seen from the pet portraits. I've always loved bright and bold colors anyway!